A FUCKING FEZ.
I'M FLAILING ALL OVER THE PLACE RIGHT NOW.
DOCTOR WHO GEEKISHNESS TO THE MAX.
I HAVE A FEZ NOW!!!!!!
Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She had big dreams and hopes for herself, telling anyone who would listen about how she's going to be the first woman president and also a doctor and then maybe a teacher and also, she's going to have three kids but not get married, because boys are icky. She's going to take all honors classes and get into an amazing college and have her future set. Then she'd work and work and work and retire with everything all set for her and her kids and grandkids.
Then her parents divorced. She lost her religion. She dropped out of her AP classes. She wrote depressing poetry. She forgot how chemistry worked and almost failed science. She tried to find her religion and went to a Christian college. She became an outspoken supporter of marriage equality. She became obsessed with musical theatre and doodled lyrics during class. She skipped class. She almost got expelled. She watched her father decide not to be a father anymore. She ran away to New York City. She switched schools. She met her idol. She got two jobs in the wrong city. She fell behind in school, so far behind that the mere idea of catching up was so intimidating that she pretended it didn't exist.
So she ran away.
I left school today. And I say "left" very loosely, because there's no real way of sugarcoating it: I just dropped out of college. I have every intention to come back, but the fact of the matter is: I just fucking dropped out.
I'm not a student anymore. I've been a student for fifteen years, and that's the one constant in my life. And now that's gone. I don't have homework and I don't have a dorm and I don't have a school to call my own. I don't have a place to call mine, because this house isn't really home, not when I always feel like I'm about to strangle someone and when my heart is all the way up on 50th and 8th in NYC. And I don't want to be one of "those" people that drops out of school and doesn't go back and doesn't have a future. I want to go back to school, because I like school. But I want to be a puppeteer, and the only way of doing that is to put myself out there. Which I can do a lot better if I'm not in school.
And now I'm paranoid that I'm gonna run away to NYC for real this time and work there and accidentally on purpose forget my promise to myself to go back to school and never go back. And I don't want that. I've been feeling weird all day long, like I should be crying but I've forgotten how to make myself cry. I just gave up so much for no good reason, no matter how I justify it to other people. It feels wrong and right at the same time, and even though I know that Point Park wasn't the school for me, downtown Pittsburgh is still one of my places. It's my home away from NYC, because suburbs are kind of hell on earth. And now I'm stuck in them.
And the scariest part of it all is that I actually miss Geneva like nobody's business. I miss that close-minded environment where the student body thought I was a lesbian and I almost got expelled. And I miss it because I was a voice there. I was the voice of those who weren't represented, the voice for those who needed it. I opened eyes and argued and wasn't afraid to speak my mind. And I want to do that again. I want to tell people why their views are wrong and why their beliefs are hurtful and try to make them understand. I want to get frustrated to the point of tears because nobody gets it. I want to sit in Chapel for an hour not paying attention because that sends a message too.
But most of all, I just want to be in New York City. I need to be there and I can feel it, but my mom doesn't understand and she's been getting all weepy about me leaving. And I want to leave soon, like, really soon, even though I know I can't.
I just want to cry and be distracted by something fun and painless and brainless, but everything I can think of has memories attached to it. And I don't have my mac because my charger died and I haven't gotten my new one yet. And it needs to be Friday RIGHT TEH FUCK NAO so I can see Harry Potter. Also, so I can run away to New York and play with puppets and hopefully see my idol again. He knows me now and he thinks I'm good at puppetry, and that kind of means the world to me. And I'll probably see In the Heights again and cry my face off and hug Kyle and tell him how amazing he is.
I really need to go sleep now.
TELLY LEUNG IS IN THIS EPISODE OF GLEE. HE PLAYS RANDOM WARBLER NUMBER 2, AS I'M DUBBING HIM, AND HE'S JUST CHILLIN NEXT TO DARREN AND SMILING AND LOOKING INCREDIBLY ADORABLE AND HAPPY. THE END.
Broadway dorkisness over.
KURT IS GONNA HAVE REAL FRIENDSSSS!!! I AM LITERALLY SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS NEXT EPISODE THAT I DON'T CARE THAT MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STILL ON AND I REALLY SHOULD TURN IT OFF NOW. BECAUSE KURT GETS TO BE HAPPY FOR ONCE!! AND HE AND BLAINE ARE GONNA BE BFFS FOREVER UNTIL THEY DECIDE THEY SHOULD GET MARRIED. AND THEN THEY WILL. THE END.
Okay, but for reals. Blaine's character looks perfect, and I'm really looking forward to seeing how RyMurphs and co handle this. They better give Blaine some flaws, because if he's the perfect boy, Chris Colfer will complain about being turned into Bella Swan (even though Twilight's got nothing on Glee). But this is gonna be so perfect regardless, because Kurt's fans want him to be with the perfect guy, and if Blaine's perfect then they'll be happy too! And then Darren Criss can be a recurring character and be on my TV every Tuesday and I can flail around like a little kid.
And it doesn't even matter if Blaine's not Kurt's boyfriend, because these two are gonna be so good together no matter what happens. I can't see them ever having problems. Ever. And it makes me sad that RyMurphs and co are probs gonna make something happen down the line and then we'll have to say bye-bye to Blaine and there will be lots of crying and the entire Glee fandom will write letters begging them to bring him back. (That better not happen or I'll throw things.)
tl;dr: Blaine is the best character on Glee ever.
Lights up on Washington Heights
up at the break of day
I wake up and I got this little punk
I gotta chase away
Pop the grate at the crack of dawn
Sing while I wipe down the awning
Hey, y'all, good morning!
WELCOME to the show that won Broadway’s highest honors by first winning its heart. WELCOME to the next chapter in the classic American story on stage. WELCOME to the kind of musical that comes around once in a generation. A musical that builds on the best traditions of theater while forging into fresh new territory. A musical about the importance of home, family and finding where you belong.
In the Heights tells the universal story of a vibrant community in Manhattan's Washington Heights – a place where the coffee from the corner bodega is light and sweet, the windows are always open, and the breeze carries the rhythm of three generations of music. It's a community on the brink of change, full of hopes, dreams and pressures, where the biggest struggles can be deciding which traditions you take with you, and which ones you leave behind.
~ "Story" intheheightsthemusical.com ~
"I wrote the first incarnation of In the Heights my sophomore year at Wesleyan University. In the winter of 1999, I applied to put up a new show in the student-run '92 Theater. At the time, I had one song and a title: In the Heights. I was given the theater for the weekend of April 20-22- now all I had to do was write a show. I barely slept, I barely ate; I just wrote. I put in all the things I'd always wanted to see onstage: propulsive freestyle rap scenes outside of bodegas, salsa numbers that also revealed character and story. I tried to write the kind of show I'd want to be in. Two remarkable things happened. One, we broke box-office records for the '92 Theater that year- it was insanity. Two, I was approached by John Buffalo Mailer (son of Norman), a senior at the time. He loved the show and said, "My friends and I are starting a production company when we graduate, and we want to help you bring it to New York." I said, "That sounds awesome," went to the cast party and promptly forgot about his offer."
~ Lin-Manuel Miranda ~
In the Heights: February 14/March 9, 2008 - January 9, 2011
and you prob'ly never heard my name
reports of my fame are greatly exaggerated
exacerbated by the fact that my syntax
is highly complicated
cause I immigrated from the
singled greatest little place in the Caribbean
I love it, Jesus I'm jealous of it
It won't be long now, any day...
Then can I say
Now listen to me, that may be how you perceive it
But Nina please believe that when you find your way again
You're gonna change the world and then
We're all gonna brag and say
"We knew her when this was your home"
I don't know about God, but I believe in Chris Jackson!
And when you're gone
You know that I'll be waiting when you're gone
[but you're here with me right now]
If we should drift apart
Let me take this moment just to say
That you are gonna change the world some day
And I'll think of you every night at the same time
When the sun goes down
That is what In the Heights is about. It's about a community coming together for a common purpose.
In the Heights introduced me to a new community of people. We are the Heights forum, the official discussion forum for the musical. And at first, that's exactly what we were. We talked about all things Heights. Slowly, we exhausted those topics and moved on to more personal matters. We all started calling each other by name and talking about our own troubles. We helped each other through tough times and celebrated the good times. We swapped stories and laughed and cried. We eventually became a little online family, and almost all of us have now met at least one other person from the forum in real life.
These people are some of my best friends in the world. They have helped me more than I can say, and I truly hope that I have done the same for them. They've made me laugh and given me a place to stay. They've become more than just the people living inside my computer. They are my real-life friends, people that I will love for the rest of my life. I met all of these lovely people thanks to In the Heights, and now we are embodying the musical's message of friendship and community.
We are In the Heights.
We love In the Heights.
And we thank In the Heights for bringing us together.
Right. So as soon as Emma ripped off Will's shirt, the comments started. Every single person in that room now thinks Matthew Morrison is the most attractive thing to ever walk on the face of the planet. Except me. Sure, I can't deny that he is in great shape, but I didn't find it attractive at all. And when one of our number made the comment, "Who needs a cold shower?" I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.
The fact of the matter is, I don't find Matthew Morrison attractive. I don't find Mark Salling attractive. And yet I can kind of sort of admit that Chord Overstreet is kind of gorgeous. All three of them have had shirtless scenes and all three of them are in pretty similar shape, but I only find one of them nice looking? Here's what this boils down to.
I am attracted to a person's mind. I already knew this, but all this Glee-watching has just proven that fact. I hate Will and I hate Puck, therefore I don't find the actors who portray them attractive. (Sorry, boys.) I think Sam is a goofball and I kind of love him, therefore I find the actor who portrays him attractive. The same thing goes for almost every single movie or TV show or musical I've ever seen. And I've tried explaining this to people when they ask me why I don't find person A attractive but I love person B, and nobody seems to understand it.
Basically, it goes like this: I have never experienced sexual attraction to anyone and I probably never will. Therefore, I value a person's mind above their body. I can admire a body that is in good shape, but that's where the thoughts stop. I don't find a person's physical appearance attractive; I find their mind attractive. It's not a cop-out answer and it's not me avoiding the question, it's just how I view things.
This is probably why I find the Glee fandom so shallow. They're all here for the pretty while I'm desperately trying to find reasons to keep liking the characters. (Not that I think all you Glee kids are like that, of course. But let's be frank here and admit that quite a large portion of the fandom is just here for the eye candy.)
Okay, I'm done musing over things. I've got a script to write. And some other homework-y stuffs to take care of...
Plus there's the fact that I've been going up to New York every weekend, which means two overnight bus trips per week, which means my sleep schedule is so messed up it's not even funny. It's kind of ridiculous. And I have a job up there now, which means I'll be traveling even more. I don't mind it, because I love my job and I love New York City, but it's just SO insanely busy and tiring.
Aaaand I was supposed to beta read someone's fic by Sunday and start writing two stories on Sunday. That didn't happen. I feel like the week just ran away and left me chilling here, thinking I have all the time in the world. Then I get sucker punched with a giant "OHAI IT'S THURSDAY!!" sign. Ugh.
Time has never passed so quickly. I feel like my life is slipping away in front of my eyes and that I'm completely wasting it. I'm in the wrong department and possibly the wrong school... again... and I can't seem to find time to finish anything. I have a job in the wrong city, but it's a job I've always wanted and it's perfect. I could have a life in New York, but I don't have the money to move there. Plus I need to finish school, which isn't gonna happen until I figure out what the hell I want to do with my life.
If Point Park doesn't let me change my major, I'm taking a semester off. I'll take classes as CCAC and get a full time job (Borders, please???) and travel up to New York a lot. I'll find a school that will let me do theatre and try for the internship at the Benedum Center. I'll go to one of those two-year schools if it comes down to that, just so I can get a real job with real benefits and a real paycheck. And then once I'm in the working world I can try again and get involved in theatre, even if it does mean moving to New York City. At least I'll have more options then.
I tried talking to my mom about it, but she's too focused on keeping me close to home to give me her honest opinion. I feel like I'm wasting all my tuition money by staying in school and changing my major every other day, but she's paranoid I'll never go back if I take time off. She's also paranoid that I'll move to New York without a job and without a plan, which is not going to happen. She just doesn't realize that this job is what I've been waiting my entire life for and I want to dedicate everything to it, but that can't happen if I'm here in Pittsburgh. There are no puppeteering jobs in Pittsburgh. I need to go to New York if that's ever going to happen.
I dunno. I'm just tired of screwing myself over by going to school for something I'm not going to end up working in. And if this means going back to school for English and getting a teaching degree, then whatever. If it means going to a 2-year school and ending up in health care or in some office, then whatever. I just need to have some sort of goal to focus on that will actually get me somewhere. I can't stay in school for the sake of staying in school if I have no clue what I'm going to school for. That's just a waste of money that won't get me any closer to graduation.
UGH. I just need a break from life. I want to just go to sleep for about a month and not worry about anything. Or maybe just leave school and get a job and make some real money then go back after figuring out my life. Forget the stigma attached to a 2-year college. People have made careers for themselves out of that, and if it's not good enough for my mom, then too bad. I just want to be done with school NOW and be able to get a stable job somewhere and live my life without constantly traveling and worrying about what's going to happen when I graduate without any hope of finding a job.
Because the entire internet is obsessed with sex. It doesn't matter what kind of sex, but it's obsessed with sex. And I've never been that way, and for most of my life I assumed it was because I was a prude or because of those Christian values I've had shoved on me all my life. I assumed that I was just a good girl in a bad world and that one day I would meet a good boy, we'd have awkward honeymoon sex together, make some babies, and that would be that. The end.
Now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's just because I've never had a boyfriend and don't know how it feels to be in a relationship, but there is no denying that I think sex is kind of disgusting and terrifying and I really don't want some guy's penis in my vagina. And I don't want some woman sticking something in it, either. And maybe some day I'll meet someone that changes that, but for now I pretty much have a negative sex drive.
That's not to say I don't want to meet someone and fall in love. I'd love to have someone special in my life who I think the world of. I want to go on adventures with someone and talk about what we want out of life and pick out paint and matching towels and cuddle while watching movies and hold hands when we go places and read books to each other and throw things at each other from across the table. And sure, I can do those things with a really good friend. But I still want the commitment that comes with a romantic relationship, I just don't want the sexual part of it.
So what does this mean, exactly? This isn't my way of saying I'm just some crazy prude who wants to have a first-grade boyfriend forever. This is my way of saying that I'm pretty sure I'm asexual. And yes, that is a sexuality that does actually exist. All it means is that I don't have a sex drive. That's it. Calling myself asexual doesn't change who I am, it doesn't mean I have no reproductive organs, and it doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. It just means that I don't want sex. At all. With anyone. It doesn't mean I can't be attracted to someone, because I can, it just means that I care about the mental and emotional part of the relationship and I couldn't care less about the sexual part.
And let me tell you, this answers so many other questions I've had about myself. Because I totally had a crush on a girl once, and it really freaked me out. But now I've realized that the only reason it freaked me out was because the idea of having sex with a girl freaked me out. (And that was before I realized that sex in general freaked me out, so don't even try to call me a homophobe.) Now that I've come to terms with the fact that relationships for me will have nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the person's brain, I've been able to accept the part of myself that might be attracted to women as well as men.
Now I have no idea if calling myself a bisexual asexual means I cancelled something out, but that's really the best way of putting it if I'm looking for a label. And hey, I'm new to all this, so don't go judging my terminology. Basically, I'm an asexual who is attracted to both women and men. It's a little weird admitting it, but it makes me happy to see it in black and white. It feels good.
Now I just have to figure out how to tell my mom... I think she's convinced I'll be married and pregnant in no more than five years. Oops.
I'd be on the street team for ImaginOcean, which means I'd get to play with puppets and tell people why the show is awesome and why they should go see it. I'd probably get a free shirt too. And I'd get paid $10 an hour, which isn't too shabby, all things considered. I'd be walking around the theatre district promoting an amazing show and getting my foot in the door for other puppetry/theatre opportunities in the future. And I've only been talking about wanting to join a street team since I learned they existed. Because I pretty much do that anyway every time I pass the Richard Rodgers or Booth Theatres and tell people why the shows playing there are worth their money.
I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life as far as puppetry goes for a little under three years. I knew I wanted to pursue it, I just didn't know how. And now here's a job opportunity that I don't even have to interview/audition for, the only problem is that I don't live in New York. I live in Pittsburgh, and New York City is nine and a half hours away. I could still swing it if I'm allowed to work exclusively on weekends and only come up once a month, twice tops. I'm just not sure if it'll actually be worth it money-wise. According to my mom's (exaggerated) calculations, I'd probably lose money.
Basically, this all means that I should just move to New York City and be done with it. I should find another job, a cheap apartment (haha), and a school and finish my education there. Then I'd get to be on the street team, hang out with cool puppetry kids, become friends with John Tartaglia (crossies), and eventually break into the business. Everything I need to succeed is right there in New York. I just need to be there to make it happen.
I miss her so much it's painful. She and I used to have the most amazing discussions, talking about everything from politics to her latest boyfriend to Cheyenne Jackson to Broadway musicals to who tried to burn the building down with the microwave this time? She was never quiet, always singing or talking or humming or texting or moving around and making her bedsprings creak.
There was never a dull moment, either. I'd yell at her for shopping online... again. She'd tell me she bought tickets to see a play tomorrow, so let's go already! We'd tell the other not to wear that ridiculous shirt again. I'd make her go to the nurse's office when she was too stubborn to go herself. We'd get food from the Brig together and complain about how much alfredo sauce they dumped on our pasta. I'd make fun of her for being a science/math nerd and she'd ask me to proofread all her essays.
We both have family issues, too. She's been through everything I'm going through, and she really helped me out. I like to think that I helped her out too, because we both knew what to say and when to leave the other alone. I helped her talk out her boy troubles and made her wait when she wanted to date that boy I just *knew* was wrong for her. And I was right about him, too. We both told the other so much and every barrier was broken and we were just such good friends.
Now my roommate is never here. She sleeps over at her boyfriend's every night and is only around for maybe an hour or so, tops, each day. If she's here at all to begin with. We haven't talked at all past the customary, "Hey, what's up?" I know nothing about her and she knows nothing about me. She's always hanging out with her friends while I'm in here, sitting by myself because I don't have friends to hang out with. I have nobody here I can talk about deep stuff with, and I'm really starting to miss having conversations like that. Face-to-face conversations, I mean. Talking over the internet can only go so far, I've come to learn.
I never realized how happy living with my old roommate made me. It was just a fact of life, and now it's gone. I think that's what I miss the most at my old school, to be honest. I miss my roommate and all the crazy things we did and all the conversations we had. I miss all my friends, too. And I've finally been able to admit that if I had stayed at Geneva, I would have been happier socially. I would have had lots of friends and been involved in theatre and clubs and all sorts of things, but I wouldn't be happy with my education. I'd be frustrated with the preach-y quality of education and I wouldn't have done well. Here at Point Park, I love my classes and I finally feel like I'm in the right place to learn. I'm just not in a happy place as far as socialization goes.
This is the part where anyone who happens to be reading this magically has a socially reclusive cousin who goes to Point Park so I can hang out with him/her.