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Am I *that* person now?

Once upon a time, there was a little girl.  She had big dreams and hopes for herself, telling anyone who would listen about how she's going to be the first woman president and also a doctor and then maybe a teacher and also, she's going to have three kids but not get married, because boys are icky.  She's going to take all honors classes and get into an amazing college and have her future set.  Then she'd work and work and work and retire with everything all set for her and her kids and grandkids.

Then her parents divorced.  She lost her religion.  She dropped out of her AP classes.  She wrote depressing poetry.  She forgot how chemistry worked and almost failed science.  She tried to find her religion and went to a Christian college.  She became an outspoken supporter of marriage equality.  She became obsessed with musical theatre and doodled lyrics during class.  She skipped class.  She almost got expelled.  She watched her father decide not to be a father anymore.  She ran away to New York City.  She switched schools.  She met her idol.  She got two jobs in the wrong city.  She fell behind in school, so far behind that the mere idea of catching up was so intimidating that she pretended it didn't exist.

So she ran away.

I left school today.  And I say "left" very loosely, because there's no real way of sugarcoating it: I just dropped out of college.  I have every intention to come back, but the fact of the matter is: I just fucking dropped out.

I'm not a student anymore.  I've been a student for fifteen years, and that's the one constant in my life.  And now that's gone.  I don't have homework and I don't have a dorm and I don't have a school to call my own.  I don't have a place to call mine, because this house isn't really home, not when I always feel like I'm about to strangle someone and when my heart is all the way up on 50th and 8th in NYC.  And I don't want to be one of "those" people that drops out of school and doesn't go back and doesn't have a future.  I want to go back to school, because I like school.  But I want to be a puppeteer, and the only way of doing that is to put myself out there.  Which I can do a lot better if I'm not in school.

And now I'm paranoid that I'm gonna run away to NYC for real this time and work there and accidentally on purpose forget my promise to myself to go back to school and never go back.  And I don't want that.  I've been feeling weird all day long, like I should be crying but I've forgotten how to make myself cry.  I just gave up so much for no good reason, no matter how I justify it to other people.  It feels wrong and right at the same time, and even though I know that Point Park wasn't the school for me, downtown Pittsburgh is still one of my places.  It's my home away from NYC, because suburbs are kind of hell on earth.  And now I'm stuck in them.

And the scariest part of it all is that I actually miss Geneva like nobody's business.  I miss that close-minded environment where the student body thought I was a lesbian and I almost got expelled.  And I miss it because I was a voice there.  I was the voice of those who weren't represented, the voice for those who needed it.  I opened eyes and argued and wasn't afraid to speak my mind.  And I want to do that again.  I want to tell people why their views are wrong and why their beliefs are hurtful and try to make them understand.  I want to get frustrated to the point of tears because nobody gets it.  I want to sit in Chapel for an hour not paying attention because that sends a message too.

But most of all, I just want to be in New York City.  I need to be there and I can feel it, but my mom doesn't understand and she's been getting all weepy about me leaving.  And I want to leave soon, like, really soon, even though I know I can't.

I just want to cry and be distracted by something fun and painless and brainless, but everything I can think of has memories attached to it.  And I don't have my mac because my charger died and I haven't gotten my new one yet.  And it needs to be Friday RIGHT TEH FUCK NAO so I can see Harry Potter.  Also, so I can run away to New York and play with puppets and hopefully see my idol again.  He knows me now and he thinks I'm good at puppetry, and that kind of means the world to me.  And I'll probably see In the Heights again and cry my face off and hug Kyle and tell him how amazing he is.

I really need to go sleep now.
 


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